Once upon a time there was a land called the United States of America. In 2020, a natural disaster, the likes of which our planet had never seen before, decimated the USA. Those Americans who survived mostly fell into two categories – those trying to flee and those looting and destroying what was left.
The Americans in the former category, having received word that Canada was their only refuge, began making their way north. One might say they formed caravans.
Here is the speech the Prime Minister of Canada gave upon learning of the crisis in the USA:
To my fellow Canadians –
As many of you are aware, the United States is in great crisis. Power grids have been obliterated and most of its citizens are homeless and simply trying to survive.
We have always been a caring and welcoming country, so it is no surprise that many of the Americans are setting out on journeys with their loved ones to cross our border. I am addressing you today to explain the fears I have around this so you know why I am making certain decisions and putting specific processes in place.
If you have been paying attention to the news in the last two decades, you are aware that the U.S. has a pervasive gun culture and that sweeping violence using weapons of war in schools, theaters, concerts, clubs, workplaces and department stores is commonplace. This is not something we welcome in Canada.
We are also acutely aware of the grave issues and divides there around race, gender, religion and sexual preference. Again, this is not something we welcome in Canada.
American citizens elected a President who flouted established norms in rule of law, showed disdain for people not like him, repeatedly and shamelessly sought to make money on his office, showed no interest in reading or learning, denied climate change, treated refugees fleeing danger in their nations as criminals, and was a proven pathological liar. He also staged rallies and inflamed the crowds with rhetoric that some took too seriously.
Simply put, if Americans cannot be trusted to elect a stable leader, how can we trust them?
It is for this reason that I suggest we treat those coming over our border as hostile until we determine otherwise. All children, from infant to teenager, will be separated from their parents and put in detention centers. There is currently no limit on how long we can hold them there.
As they are not Canadian citizens, we will put as few resources as we can into the transition process while still being rigorous and discriminant. If panicked parents ask when they will be reunited with their six-month-old, we will be honest and say we don’t know if that will ever happen.
While we don’t want to punish the children for the crimes of their parents – crossing our border is illegal, after all – we feel those children may be better off with a loving adopted family. All of the adults who come to Canada will also be detained indefinitely, at least until we can ascertain that they don’t present a danger to our citizens.
Naturally, all firearms will be seized at the border and not brought into Canada. We anticipate conflict in that regard and will be ready to respond accordingly.
Canada has a proud tradition of opening its collective arms, but I won’t allow our goodness to blind us to potential danger. After September 11, 2001, the U.S. became a nation of fear and division. There was some unity and a lot of people responded with love and kindness to that disaster, but ultimately it amplified their differences and made room for a President who set out to create national and global conflict.
We don’t know who to trust in this influx of refugees, but we will do our part to create systems that allow those with good intent to make a life in Canada.
I will continue to keep you apprised of what is happening at the border. Please know that your safety and security are my utmost priority.
Thank you, and may God bless Canada.
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Canadians listened intently, fretted a bit, and then went about their lives, working, putting food on the table, paying bills, and taking vacations.
The End
Epilogue: Nobody believes this dopey story because Canada would never do this.
